


Unprecious

by Scriptor_Bellum



Category: Naruto
Genre: AU is explained in the notes!, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Enjoy the pain, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, the angst tag is... yeah, the suicidal thoughts tag is because he feels he should be dead, the suicide attempt tag is because of the way that Yashamaru was supposed to have died
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 17:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16269359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scriptor_Bellum/pseuds/Scriptor_Bellum
Summary: Alone, injured, and thrown into a small cell in Sunagakure’s prisons, Yashamaru wishes he really had died.Based off an AU which is explained inside!





	Unprecious

**Author's Note:**

> So, this fic is based off an AU I made into a verse on one of my roleplay blogs.
> 
> The basic gist of it is that Yashamaru didn't die after he fought Gaara; he detonated the explosive tags, but for some reason, he didn't die. Instead of being allowed to walk freely, Rasa put him into Sunagakure's prison so that there was nothing else Yashamaru could do for Gaara or for the rest of Suna.
> 
> Later in the AU, once Gaara's all grown up, he finds out Yashamaru is there and there's some major feels with that because OBVIOUSLY. But for this fic, it takes place shortly after Yashamaru was put in prison, and is still healing from his injuries.
> 
> **Warning for discussion of a suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts! Be careful! <3**
> 
>  With that out of the way... enjoy. :)

Unsurprisingly, recovery from a suicide attempt is far from a walk in the park.

If one had asked Yashamaru two weeks ago if he wanted to die, his response would have been that no, he didn’t… and yet, if the Kazekage told him that he needed to sacrifice his life for a mission, he had to do it, and he would. After everything that has happened in the past two weeks, he isn’t so sure anymore that being alive is worth the pain.

Pain. Too much of it. Too much caused by his own hand. Too much for himself, too much for his youngest nephew. (For that matter, likely too much for Kankuro and Temari as well.)

For all everyone except Rasa and the prison guards know, Yashamaru is dead.

For all the agony he’s in, he might as well be.

Everything hurts. His skin is covered in burns from the explosive tags that he detonated that night in an attempt to take Gaara with him. No matter how much ointment the prison’s medic slathers on him, it all still stings. There are deep wounds over his body that are beginning to heal from the assault of Gaara’s sand. He’s still surprised by how much control the child had over Shukaku’s power. It was enough to launch a coordinated attack and fight back to defend himself, not only from Yashamaru’s kunai, but from Yashamaru himself.

The rampage that followed as Gaara completely lost control was disappointing, at least from Rasa’s point of view. From Yashamaru’s point of view, it was heartbreaking. Yashamaru laid there, bleeding, in anguish – dying, fading in and out of consciousness with the sound of his nephew’s screams and sobbing and the sound of buildings being destroyed filling his senses. He was forced to listen to the sounds of Gaara’s entire being shattering into a million pieces, forced to know that he was the cause of it. Part of him had been convinced he was having a dream. Part of him thought he felt Karura’s arms around him.

All of him drowned in guilt.

As he’s told Gaara before, the pain he feels in his heart is so much worse than any physical pain he’s in right now.

More than anything, he wishes he could go to Gaara and apologize. He wants to take that precious child in his arms, kiss him, explain everything, and never let go. What he did was so terrible. There was no doubt that Yashamaru’s attacks, words, and overall betrayal would haunt that poor boy for the rest of his life, or at least a significant portion of it. He’s only six years old…

It was wrong. It was all so wrong. Yashamaru never should have let himself be so loyal to Sunagakure that he placed that above his loyalty to Karura, and his loyalty to Gaara. Now that he was away from Rasa’s influence, now that his head was starting to clear and he could think back on everything, he was disgusted with himself. How could he ever lower himself enough that he hurt Gaara so badly?

He deserves to be here. He deserves to rot in a lonely prison cell, hidden away like the other criminals so that the citizens can pretend they don’t exist.

The sensation of his wounds being fixed, skin knitting itself back together, is excruciating. At least it means he’s going to live.

Then again, if he has to live with what he’s done, he thinks maybe that’s the best, most twisted punishment anyone could give him. He’s not sure if he can live with the knowledge that he inflicted an emotional injury so deep it may never heal on the person he loves most. Being nursed back to health and forced to continue living, knowing that he broke his young nephew, makes him pray for death.

Earlier in the day, Rasa deigned to stop by the cell.

* * *

 “ _Yashamaru. You’re looking much better than you did the last time I visited you.”_

_The blonde barely has the strength to lift his head. Instead his eyes shift upward as he focuses on his breathing. He’s tired. He wishes he could just fall asleep and never wake up. “Rasa.”_

_It seems the lack of propriety doesn’t go unnoticed. Rasa narrows his dark eyes in contempt. “Do you want to come back to the village? Do you want to see Gaara again?”_

_For a moment, Yashamaru foolishly allows himself to hope. He stays silent, eyes turning to ice, boring into his brother-in-law’s. Rasa should know the answer._

“ _You can come back.”_

_More hope rises in his chest. The pain of his wounds suddenly feels so far away. “What’s the catch?” The Fourth Kazekage would never be so kind without an ulterior motive. Yashamaru tries to keep himself light, just in case it’s something he can do._

“ _No catch.” The way Rasa’s lip curls is almost imperceptible, but Yashamaru sees it anyway. “All you have to do is keep doing what you’ve been doing. Take care of Gaara. Test his psychological limits. Like you did before.”_

_His hope comes crashing down and shards of it litter his heart. “That almost got me killed, in case you’ve forgotten.”_

“ _In case **you’ve** forgotten, Yashamaru, you **should** be dead. You were supposed to set off those explosive tags and die.” The hard look in Rasa’s eyes returns. All traces of petty smugness are gone. “I suppose I should have anticipated that you’d find a way to screw up even something as simple as killing yourself. Be grateful I’m giving you this chance at all after you failed your mission. Be grateful I didn’t decide to finish the job and kill you by my own hand.”_

_Yashamaru swallows hard. His throat hurts. His head hurts. Everything hurts. The pain in his heart pushes out everything else. “So, just to be clear then. You want me to come back, and resume this torture, testing Gaara with things that I know will only cause him pain? You want me to take care of him, earn his trust, love him with all my heart, build him back up… and then break him again?”_

_A nod is the answer he gets at first. “ That’s my deal, Yashamaru.”_

_He doesn’t speak for a moment. What he’s done to his nephew is something that can’t ever be undone. If that wound Gaara has now is going to be healed, it’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of love. A lot of time. Hurting somebody you love so thoroughly is something that can’t be forgiven._

_He can’t do that again. He didn’t want to do it the first time, and he **can’t** do it a second time. _

_Finally he lets his head drop down against his chest. “… In that case, I would rather die.”_

“ _Che.” There’s a scoff, although Yashamaru doesn’t know what else he expected from Rasa._

_Tension pools around them. Each man is quietly daring the other to say something. Anything._

_In the end, the Kazekage steps away from the cell. His last words to his brother-in-law echo even when he is gone._

“ _Fine. Then **die.** ”_

* * *

 The memory sends a shiver up Yashamaru’s spine, and he instantly regrets it. That motion sends a spiral of pain radiating through the rest of him. It touches every injury he has.

If Rasa is holding his breath, waiting for Yashamaru to just roll over and die, he’s going to suffocate. As much as he wants to give up, he’s not going to give Gaara’s father the satisfaction. His love for Gaara kept him alive after Karura’s death – why not let spite for Rasa keep him alive for the rest of his life, however long it may be?

His eyes flutter closed briefly. The image of his nephew, black-ringed eyes, shock of red hair, _tears,_ flashes into his mind. His eyes snap open almost immediately. He can still hear Gaara’s little voice, impossibly distressed and straining with the burden of speech, asking him why. _Why, Yashamaru? WHY?_

He looks down at his bandaged hands. The smallest section of bandages is wrapped around the fourth finger of his left hand, a memory, nothing to do with the attack. “Why, Yashamaru?” he mumbles as he moves that finger slowly. Bend it. Straighten it. Bend it. Straighten it. “Why? Why did you do it, Yashamaru? … Why did I do it…?”

It’s not like he didn’t try to get to Gaara afterwards. After seeing how deep an emotional wound he’d given his nephew, Yashamaru tried to push himself up. Tried to make his uncooperative body move. Tried to shout for Gaara in between choking on his own blood. Yashamaru hadn’t thought much about it before that night because he’d never been injured so gravely, but Gaara was right; blood tasted like iron.

The effort must have been too much for him. His head swam, tears blurred his vision, and as soon as he managed to move just an inch, everything went black.

He tried to do the right thing. Yashamaru tried to tell Gaara the truth in the instant after he’d vomited up all those lies.

For once in his pathetic life, Yashamaru actually knew what the right thing was, and attempted to do it.

And it didn’t make any damn difference.

Rasa got to him first.

When Yashamaru woke up in the prison hospital – a small, dingy room with no windows that carved the scent of antiseptic into his skin – he knew. He knew that Gaara had no idea his uncle survived, no idea about the truth. That gaping wound in Gaara’s heart can’t even begin to heal without the truth.

Yashamaru can’t remember how long he cried after that. It got to the point that his eyes were swollen for days, and they _hurt._ He wanted more than anything to believe it wasn’t true. To believe maybe this was some horrible dream and that he hadn’t buried a knife in his nephew’s back.

It’s not. If it were, he would have woken up by now. He’s still in pain. Gaara’s still in pain, and there’s nothing Yashamaru can do about it anymore.

He misses being able to touch Gaara. Yashamaru is someone who needs to touch and be touched by his loved ones so that he can thrive. He’s never going to survive in here, not without Gaara, not without Kankuro and Temari, not with the knowledge that he’s ruined Gaara’s life.

He should have died. He _wishes_ he had died. He doesn’t deserve to live at all, even if the memory of what he did haunts him every minute.

His tears renew, making trails down his face. All he ever wanted to do was protect that precious child. Those were his last words to his older sister; that he would protect Gaara.

He’s failed her. He’s failed Gaara.

When he tries to move, the sensation of tugging in his injuries follows him. He bites his lip hard enough to draw blood. He can’t get a good breath in.

All he can do is think about his nephew, and his sister. He just wants to hold Gaara again. Just one more time… that would be enough, wouldn’t it?

He breaks down, head hitting the stone wall with an unceremonious throb, chest heaving with sobs that bring pain he knows he deserves.

“I’m sorry, Gaara… _I’m so sorry…_ ”


End file.
